I continue to dream about trains
the chugging, the gentle moan and stop,
a sound cruising by in the night.
My mind wanders, over shadowy hills
past the pregnant moon and back,
into the still, starry night
that holds my memories -
as tight as I hold your hand.
Walking the open streets
tired and cold we
piece together little images
while we wait for trains,
a shooting star signals an approach,
begging us to dance in our dreams.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Waiting for Trains
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4 comments:
I enjoyed this piece quite a bit.
I stumbled a little on 'chugging' and then the subsequent 'cruising'. The repeated explosive sounds of chugging' give the impression of stop and go that I think contradict the smoothness of cruising.
Thanks for the piece!
Well, this one would slide past the censors my friend. LOL Very cleverly done. Just a few things though.
I agree with Thea that cruising doesn't seem quite the right word. If I'm right about your imagery, I don't think it fits well with the real subject either. Maybe "a sound rocking by in the night" would work better? It suggests several things but among them rocking a child. Also, I don't think you need "the" before gentle moan and stop. :)
This full of very nice imagery. I especially liked, "past the pregnant moon and back" and "begging us to dance in our dreams". You're back to your old Tiger form with this one. Much appreciated here.
By the by, are you taking over my love affair with the stars? LOL Thanks for this!
Thanks for pointing out those little rough parts Theamak and adams, I knew something wasn't right. I guess I'll sort this out.
Your comments are both appreciated. Thanks.
Me in love with the stars?? Never!
Maybe I’m a little slow, or maybe I’m finally getting old…I didn’t really catch on until I read PB’s comments : )
I can’t add anything Tiger; this is nice work.
-Steve
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