I cannot write anymore,
the lines are too brittle to hold
the wonder of the delicate world
where she lives–a place I visit
only in my mind.
How does one express
a ghostly presence
in the suggestion
of a smile concealed
on those beautiful lips
that wrenches the soul,
the shimmer of ocean blue
eyes vaguely lit by a sliver
of summer moon that wounds
with unbearable longing
leaving elusive words
trailing over empty page.
The ink blossoms
into dark blue flowers
blooming under moonlight.
Closing my eyes again
I see every soft curve,
the grace of her breasts,
the sweet hollow of her navel,
the inviting slope of her hips–
My heart is lost
under an archipelago of stars
and the shadow of these
twisted trees, I sit reading her
quietly from a continent away
between the white oleander
and the pale blue iris.
3 comments:
First, some general feelings: There are a lot of really descriptive love poems out there, as well as a lot of poems that talk about the difficulty of writing about love or a lover. For me, the descriptive love poems that work best incorporate some kind of tension beyond the "she means so much and I miss her so dearly I can't write about her" spiel. Perhaps I am cynical--I know for a fact I've written a few of these myself--but I feel like this is a piece over which a woman might go, "aww, you're sweet"--and that would be that.
Granted, I do see some inner conflict, with the longing. The most suggestive part of the poem, as far as I'm concerned, is that last line in which the image of an iris and an oleander is invoked. Living in an area where there are copious amounts of oleanders, I am well aware that they are poisonous, and I wonder if this is the sentiment you were trying to bring out; this dual image of beauty and poison. If so, I approve.
Lyrically and linguistically, this is very well done, as per the usual. If I had my way, however, you would focus more on the sentiments in the last two lines throughout the rest of the poem.
i agree with the comment about the imagery in the last two lines-the oleander/iris contrast makes the poem particularly strong, i think. but i also liked the rest of it. i think that my favorite part was this: "...eyes vaguely lit by a sliver / of summer moon that wounds.." i liked it so much i read it out loud and i love the way it feels saying it. i also liked the fact that the writing was incorporated into the poem, so it wasn't just an 'oh how i love you' poem. one suggestion--in the second stanza, you say, "how does one express..." it kind of threw me that the rest of the poem was in first person, but you dip into third here...maybe i'm just too much of an English major. but i'd tweak that a little, see what happens. take care!!
My thanks to both of you. Sam, I am very sorry that I did not see your comment earlier. I've had a good many difficulties this past year that have caused a lot of things to slide. Still no excuse, my sincere apologies.
As always, you both gave me very good comments that I will definitely refer to when I revise this one. I absolutely see your point about the third person, LO. I will correct that. Thanks again!
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