We have to write a poem for Valentine's Day in my poetry writing class. This is due tomorrow night, and is all I could come up with. Any help/suggestions whatsoever are appreciated.
When the first warm rays
of spring Valley sun thawed
the soil Mother and I would step
into the raised bed and turn
over the earth with shovels
and hoes, then sow seedlings
that shriveled up in the oven-baked
Fresno summers, remorseless and cruel.
Always I wanted to plant earlier,
but everything in its season she said.
Now you and I have covered a seed
with rich soil in the depth of winter
and I can see it sprouting up
like the river flooding its banks
close to home. Gently I tug
at the stem and feel the roots
resist, rub green leaves,
drops of moisture beading off.
I wonder whether we’ll remember
it in the spring rains, to tend and prune
as it grows taller and wider, because
in spring everything new forms,
minds start to roam, hearts to wander.
Well, my heart’s been wandering a while,
up and down the smooth curves
of your soft skin, over your eager
lips, above your eyes taking everything in--
Delving into your heart,
sounding the bottom, a pearl
diver grasping for oysters out of reach,
out of breath, vainly diving deeper nonetheless.
Whether I emerge
with the orb in hand,
or choose to leave
it under the waves,
I’ll tend to the tree
grown thick with time,
a monument to winter,
to a love made
out of season.
3 comments:
Sam, I'm sorry I took so long about getting round to this. My mind has been a little bit fractured lately. I've read it through several times and it seems to me there are three poems here at least. The best one in my opinion is the last one:
Delving into your heart,
sounding the bottom, a pearl
diver grasping for oysters out of reach,
out of breath, vainly diving deeper nonetheless.
Whether I emerge
with the orb in hand,
or choose to leave
it under the waves,
I’ll tend to the tree
grown thick with time,
a monument to winter,
to a love made
out of season.
Maybe if you want to keep it all together you could write it in sections, but I would rethink the writing in the first section. It seemed a little forced to me. That last poem is very nice by the way. Thanks.
Oh yeah, how'd we get from the tree metaphor to pearls? Rather important I think. If you want this bit as a stand alone piece as I suggest, then you'll need to find another image to replace the tree. :)
There is a lot here that I think is quite good. Some comments:
1. Do you mean "Spring Valley" is it a name, other wise why is the Valley capitalized?
2. Maybe I like this because I like the gardening stuff.
3. PB did hit the point - there are three different themes, at least, the gardening, the love story, and the pearl. I think the pearl is really a distraction. I'm guessing the metaphor about diving for the pearl came to you thinking about diving for the lover's heart or essence, but I think that is a different poem, and here you should consider staying with the gardening metaphor. Maybe nurturing the love is like nurturing the plants, and without the rain....
4. The transition between "hearts to wander" and "Well, my heart's been wandering" is good in terms of images. But up to here, it seems the only person in the poem has been Mother. We aren't ready for the girlfriend. It was a little jarring to have you writing about the mother this way, before I realized it was someone else.
As I write this, and go back and reread, I see how carelessly I read. You do say,
"Now you and I have covered a seed"
(Are you alluding to her pregnancy here?)
I think this is a pivotal point - here you are suggesting that Mother is gone and you can do it your way. Perhaps it would help to introduce the fact that Mom is now gone (I'm assuming she's dead) and that you are talking about all this with the lover.
Again, it may be my own love of gardening that makes me respond so positively to your images. This one is worth working these out.
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