24
24 is my magic number.
It became significant,
When I was only 20.
Thrall is 24 in Warcraft 3,
So is Arthas,
Boy that guy’s a dick.
There are 24 hours in a day.
The movie 23 is just one from 24.
I hope I don’t go crazy over 24.
I turn 24 in the infamous year 2012.
It was quite ominous in 2008.
It is now my 24th birthday at last.
I had lunch with my mom around noon.
Then bought 24 cupcakes for the kids I tutor.
They really seemed to enjoy them.
After leaving the kids I had cake.
Now I am relaxing at home,
Wondering what to do next.
I now have my 25th to look forward to,
When my insurance rates goes down,
And it’s all down hill from there.
4 comments:
The immediacy is lost in this piece. I am quite sure it is because of the tenses. A simple bit of editing would improve it. For example:
I just turned twenty four. I have lunch with my mom around noon. Then I buy 24 cupcakes for the kids I tutor. They really seem to enjoy them. After I leave the kids I have cake. Now I relax at home, I wonder what to do next.
I look forward to my 25th, When my insurance rates goes down, And it’s all down hill from there.
Something like that. Another thing. I would love to see a bit of action. By the way you describe it, it seems like you are very, very old. I can't see any life or movement. Forgive me if I sound harsh. For example could you describe the kids enjoying the cup cakes or the way you relax in your home. The kids - rambunctious like rabbits you sinking deep into the couch like a fish (a certain fish) may burrow deep into the seabed.
We all know insurance rates go up, but can we see them soaring high like an eagle or flying high like a kite into the cloudy sky.
I hope it helps and send me a virtual slap if you don't agree :)
Thanks for sharing.
Yes, I think I agree with Mr. Tiger on the whole. I see some good things in what you've got here but I want something I can really see or experience in some way. I get the WOW references but unless you're intending to write for that group and not a wider audience then I think you may want something more familiar to more humans. Open up a door or a window into your world so the reader can follow you in, my friend. Thanks.
Thanks for the input from both of you! I'll see about editing.
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