Monday, December 31, 2012
Wine Days
Most memories collect foggy like an
extract from our wine soaked days when we used to roam vineyards on groggy
mornings and scramble heady over brush. We jaunted up hills, reckless
adventurers in unknown territories. Climbing high we perched at the edge of the
world, and looked out into the future with eyes full of sun.
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3 comments:
You may not find this to be a good review, my friend, but I think that anything that inspires is good. So saying this first of all, you must suspect that I was tempted to do a rewrite and indeed I did:
Memories clouded as an extract of wine
soaked days when we used to roam
vineyards through groggy mornings
scrambling heady over brush.
Jaunting up hills along reckless
adventurers in undiscovered leas.
Climbing high
we perched at the edge of the world,
looking out for the future with eyes full of sun.
Thanks PB! My silence doesn't mean that I'm upset with your comment, far from it. I sent you a message on fb, but looking back there is no evidence that it even sent!
The best thing I can take from your rewrite is this: reduce my words. It's funny how I'm quite wordy even though I restrict myself to shorter works. I'm well aware of the curse of too many words and I can use words frivolously.
For example I say: 'We jaunted up hills' - Pb says: 'jaunting up hills'.
Even the word most when used with 'most memories' is probably not needed. Why not just say memories? What I'm trying to say with most can be gotten through the word cloud or foggy.
Perhaps adding ing it allows me to be frugal with words and portrays urgency.
Looking at my poem, it looks to be more like prose, obviously it contains the structure, but it also sounds like it is veering towards prose.
The rewrite is thought-provoking and gets me thinking. Thanks PB!
I confess to having a slight prejudice in favor of poetry over prose. :D
Thanks for your poem, my friend. Much meat there to awaken my hungry mind. Looking forward to your next post!
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