Did you know when the words
escaped your lips they were not
words at all rather a breath
released, a tensing of the voice
box then a running start
like a child taking
a first dive off the board
but the water is just as cold
and the lie at the bottom
is as cold though being there
beneath the water
you can’t hear this heart
or see this sorrow, there is
only the illusion and it is hard
to tell which of us
is drowning.
6 comments:
Very good! I was going to rant, and i was typing it up about your use of 'and' before 'the lie...' but it makes more sense the more I look at it. I am sure you understand my need for the possible rant :P We are both in the same boat.
It is brilliant. I love this entire section: 'and the lie at the bottom
is as cold though being there
beneath the water
you can’t hear this heart
or see this sorrow'
'you can’t hear this heart
or see this sorrow' is really beautiful. No complaints here mate ;)
Except...the title. You know I could never be completely happy :P Maybe I don't understand the title, but it seems to be out of place, to me anyway. Other than that a round of applause!
I see a typo in my comment! Damn blogger! :P
I thought this part was a little long winded and wrapped me up a little:
is as cold though being there
beneath the water
But otherwise I really enjoyed it. As always PB you write good poetry.
I’m guessing the idiom is the lie at the bottom?
-Steve
Tiger, my friend, this is me being anything but straightforward. LOL
Idiom has several meanings of course, but one is to be in one's medium or even to be comfortable in one's unique niche. The others have to do with language and the way native speakers "bend" it in ways that may sound completely loony to speakers from outside the region.
Then there's the lie that gets built in frequently and lying that can be natural for some or being in one's idiom in fact. Twisted enough yet? LOL
So the whole thing is an "idiom" in a way and of course there are idioms hidden in it too.
Thanks for commenting, Steve, as always. :) Much appreciated. As you can tell from my remarks above, there is my own twisted reason for the wording. Thanks for the pat on the back too. Cheers!
i thought that the strength of this poem is in the last bit, "there is/only the illusion and it is hard/to tell which of us/is drowning. talk about ending your poem with a punch.
i guess i kind of get the whole idiom thing, but at the same time i still agree with tiger. i don't really think that the title fits. i mean, i understand what you're going for...but maybe if you added at little to the middle part-with the part "but the water is just as cold/and the lie at the bottom/is as cold though being there..." to add on to the idea a little more. but then again it would disturb the flow of that bit...arg! i can't think of anything. its been a long hot day. but that's my two cents!
I liked the whole image and idea in it. I did feel, however,that it didn't flow as well as your other work. Can't say what it is exactly, just a feeling I guess..
'you can’t hear this heart
or see this sorrow'
Loved this one as well!
But Tiger beat me to it...
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