slowing down to see
all this falls behind us
and in the end there's nothing left to be
one more mile to go
ending all we ever were
and there'll be nothing
left to be
while the tears roll down your face
so we turn around and start again
one more mile behind us
while your tears slowly dry
being what we were,
knowing that we are again
and far from the end
9 comments:
Okay, so just keep in mind I wrote this when I was 14. Go easy on me :p
Moi? Delicate français comme un ourson!
Haha, that's true. You have a great feel for tact and you're always gentle :p
I've been thinking about what changes in our writing between adolescence and adulthood and of course this poem of yours is what got me started on that. :)
I'm guessing it was meant to be a lyric originally? It seems as though it's following a beat for one thing. Might be my imagination of course.
Anyway, back to my thought about adolescent and adult writing, I think the answer is a difference in perspective. I think our view of the world broadens and begin to see much more complexity in our relationships and in the world in general.
So best advice I can give you for this one is to try turning it into "magnetic poetry". Take the words and jumble them up then see if they inspire you to create something brand new.
And about magnetic poetry, if you haven't tried that link above you should give it a go. I've written a few pieces from using that site to get me started. Winter Gardens is one of them if you want to have a look. Thanks for posting this. I hope I left no claw marks. :)
hey josephine. first off, i just wanted to let you know that i've been reading a lot of your poetry but haven't had time to comment on it all yet. my apologies, but i will hopefully have more time to do so as i have quit my second job. yay go free time!
anyway, this poem has, in my opinion, the bones of a great work...i like the title, it fit well with the feel of the poem and the idea got to me. i especially like the part, "you say it doesn't matter as the tears roll down your face". i just thought of how many times i've both seen and experienced this scene...but it still feels fresh within this poem.
one thing that is very distracting, though, both in this poem and in several of your others is word choice. i'm not much of a poet but PB has been working on me, and i know one thing that the Bear always talks about is creating more compact poems. you have tons of "and"s in your works that take away from the punch of the more important words. in this short work you have "and" beginning a line six times. i think, personally, that you should eliminate this word every time it begins a line. it would make the work flow better and be less distracting, allowing the reader to see your message rather than how the message is written.
but thanks for this work. you must have been a pretty talented 14 year old!
Thanks literary overdose!
That's really good advice. I don't like to change my poems all that much, P.B. has noticed :p
But I don't mind making minor adjustments and I can really see your point about improving the flow of things. I should definitely work on the use of 'and'. I use it too often.
I over-used it a lot in one particular poem, and then noticed it and decided to work it in and mention it in context. In those cases it seems to work, I think. I'll post this one later and you should all give your honest opinion :) I'd love to know what you guys think.
Thanks again for your comment! Very helpful.
Josephine:
I think this flows nicely; it has that cyclic feel to it…right up to the last line where I got hung up. Tell me if I’m right about this: This was intended to be a pause at the end as the cycle(s) that you are describing has come full circle and the last line is sort of a stalling point as the (cycle) begins again.
Not sure if I’m describing this right, or if I’m even right, but that’s what I got from it.
Nice work, Thanks.
-Steve
Yeah, Steve, it's supposed to be some sort of a cycle. More abstract than literally; the vicious cycle people wind up in and are too afraid to step out of. They don't want to break routine or break their 'cycle' even if it's a monotonous one or a meaningless one.
But I shouldn't give away too much I guess. Your interpretation was very accurate.
Thanks for the feedback! I appreciate it.
we call it a 'vicious circle' over here. A nicely done poem Jo, perhaps as suggested toning down on conjunctions may help the flow and the sound of the poem. Nice to see another poet here. Cheers for this ;)
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