As snow cools
a fire, flames sputtering
to simpering steam, red glow
of the coals beneath
surrendering their color
till all is pale ash–
this is my soul without you.
Let me sleep
beneath the cold distant
stars showering love
on us as beautiful as snow
until the last of them melts away.
In that everlasting night
may loving souls embrace
in eternity reinventing starlight
and moonlight.
While I float
in this dream, enchanted
by one lovely presence,
those flowered cheeks will droop
just as petals with time, the lips tighten
with age, hair shimmering like snow–
and my heart will ache for you.
Yet the eyes
will shine just as now, flashing as stars
will with love from one radiant soul.
Though it slices my own heart still
may it spring as reflected starlight
among the mosses, bits of mica
reflecting what is true, inspiring
truth in the hearts you meet.
Let me dream
until under the slumbering plum trees
a vision of violet forests takes me, a reality
stronger than this, a reverie
cooled by an ocean breeze
kissing your white skin, you will rise
like Leda, a swan flying to the moon,
like Artemis, never vanquished.
No longer
will I feel myself, I am far away
even now, cooling as snow cools
a fire but cleaner here, accepting
at last between the scented twilight
and the star infused sea–
I will float.
Let me float.
5 comments:
This piece is really evokative. The imagery is powerful. I especially like the imagery in the beginning of the snow cooling and extinguishing the fire, very potent.
The ending is pretty dark, but then so is the overall tone of this piece.
This is very well written!
Unless love poems are handled very delicately, they make my teeth hurt. That said, I'll try to avoid picking on that aspect. The language of the last two lines in each stanza seem to break the flow. That could be intentional in emphasizing the break in the relationship, but I mention it just in case it's not purposeful. I like a sense of flow and think it would be even better without them. The images are beautiful and touching. The language lovely. Without those few lines, I think it retains the love poem and all of it's beauty but it becomes more fragile and sensitive.
I like the power and the images, but I have one big problem and one little problem.
Big Prob:
You begin a simile:
As snow cools a fire
But it is never completed, instead you end with a new(?) simile
as my soul is without you
as my heart is without you
My soul is without you as snow cools a fire. That doesn't work for me.
The first adds something - the snow to the fire
The second is the taking away of something - you from me. Even 'your absence' is hard to compare to snow dousing a fire. That would more be like a fire dying for lack of air.
Little Prob:
Yet the eyes
will shine just as now, flashing
pure love from a pure soul
and I rejoice in that, may that light
spring like reflected starlight
among the mosses, bits of mica
reflecting what is true,
inspiring every soul you meet.
I think this isn't such a big problem. My issue is
and I rejoice in that, may that light
I think you need a stop after 'in that.' But 'that' is not a very poetic word and using it twice in this line in different ways is confusing to me. Maybe:
and I rejoice. May that light
Otherwise, it is powerful, as I said. Like much of your poetry, it makes me wonder- what demons stir your soul?
Orianna, thanks for the kind words.
Roust, I have wrestled this one several different ways and cannot make it work as you suggest. I think maybe we're seeing this one very differently.
Steve, thanks for your observations. I'm not sure exactly what you mean about the first problem because I follow snow cools with fire then ash. Snow falling on a campfire at least in New England doesn't douse it immediately, it sputters and takes its time about dying. I dunno what it does in Alaska of course. :)
I absolutely agree with you on the second point. I've done some heavy revising and hopefully it is better now.
Thanks for the comments. Very much obliged.
OK, let's see if I missed something here in the reading. You have a stanza that begins with a comparison. [At least that was what I assumed the 'as' to be doing. If 'as' here doesn't mean "the same way that" then it would mean "at the same time." I could explain why that doesn't work if necessary, but I'll pass for now.]
The first part of the stanza, then, is about how snow cools a fire. It causes the flames to sputter and puts out the glow of the coals until all that is left is ash.
As snow cools
a fire, flames sputtering
to simpering steam, red glow
of the coals beneath
surrendering their color
till all is pale ash–
Now, rereading this with your comment, I can see that possibly you mean to say that your soul and heart are like pale ash. OK, except, that you still have the unfinished "As snow cools" that is waiting for the thing that is like snow cooling a fire.
my soul without you,
my heart without you.
Does that help explain my problem here?
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