I can be still if need be
I can pretend to be dead
for hours at a time
listening to the ticking
of the old wooden clock
of my grandfather.
I remember vaguely
the man inching forward,
back bent over,
peering into time,
dutifully winding it up
to keep in rhythm.
Now I lay
defiant not to let my body age,
holding onto one last beat.
5 comments:
I really love this one, Tiger. I'd say it was very nearly perfect actually. Just a couple of small things I noticed. To my ear, "clock of my grandfather's" seems to have one more beat than it should. If it's the same to your ear, maybe you could go with "clock, my grandfather's" and lose the "of".
Also, you have "I remember vaguely/a man inching forward", (nice image by the way for what the poem is talking about), seems to me that having already mentioned your grandfather, the "a" seems too vague. If on the other hand, you said, "the man inching forward", I believe he would be understood to be your grandfather. Some anonymous man doesn't work for me anyway.
I really loved:
back bent over
peering into time,
dutifully winding it up
to keep it in rhythm.
I think you could probably lose the "it" in that last line. :) Very excellent work. Thanks!
I can't really add much to what PB said. I liked this a lot, and to be overly flippant, if you're feeling "wrinkled deep in time" you can always go for botox.
Tiger, in that last line of the first stanza…would dropping the “ ‘s “from grandfather’s work? It seems redundant to make grandfather possessive.
I can’t really add anything else. I believe this is one of my favorites from you so far.
Thanks for posting this.
-Steve
I just read this for the first time and have to say I like the conflict from the first lines to the last ones: pretending to be dead/not to let my body age. It seems to change the overt message of wishing not to die, to one of someone who would rather die than grow old. I like that I can read it more than one way.
i took all your comments into consideration and edited the poem. Thanks, very helpful, the only thing I struggled with was adam's suggestion about "clock of my grandfather's" and changing it to "clock, my grandfather's" and losing the "of".
Something needs to change but I'm not totally happy with that.
Grandfather's has been changed, thanks Steve. Sam I'm trying to leave off the botox for the moment:) Roust glad you got the other meaning to the poem. Cheers!
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