Drenched trees treading rain,
nude limbs flailing the gray
cloud sea, speak the language of storm.
Their dark heads nodding
in deference to the wind,
they do not break or surrender
so easily, only acknowledge
the uneasy truce between them.
Flashing leaves speak
the idiom of rain,
courses of white waters
devouring stone and soil,
cutting roots, cracking branches,
laying low a sapling maple
and the ancient ponderosa
without prejudice
Storms curl about this
mountain like liquid smoke,
dreamy and forgiving
at a distance though punishing
to face, twig and leaf peppering
the yard, wind lashing
our hair. Yet there is kinship
between us, we speak
the same tongue
in our souls, we have grown
wild with time.
3 comments:
you have some good images going, peppering and liquid smoke. You also use assonance and alliteration nicely. Something is missing, however, the first few lines in the first stanza seem overly weighted down with perhaps over usage of sound especially the first line.
When you compare leaves to the idiom of rain, idiom doesn't seem to be the best word to describe it, it takes away from any tempo or sound you can make from the falling rain. Sometimes you can get a little distracted with words or overuse of so many adjectives. Simple is the best, and can transcend the meaning and give a simple word or image more life.
I do like this poem, just the voice seems to be a little starchy and formal at times- the part wild with time is a nice touch and ending.
Thanks for this :)
PB, I believe you wrote this about your home; where you live now.
I particularly like these lines:
“Their dark heads nodding
in deference to the wind,
they do not break or surrender
so easily, only acknowledge
the uneasy truce between them.”
This is nice too; although I don’t think your talking about the weather quite so much here. Actually this is a lot deeper than it appears on the surface.
“dreamy and forgiving
at a distance though punishing
to face,”
I agree with Tiger…the ending is great. I had to laugh when I read it. Not because I found it comical, but because I can relate to it.
Good work, I enjoyed it.
-Steve
Steve has already picked out two of my favorite parts but I so feel this as well:
we speak
the same tongue
in our souls,
we have grown wild
with time.
Nice use of assonance here.
I do see what Raging is saying about the weighty first line though I think it can be corrected by restructuring the line.
Lovely piece
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